Monday, May 16, 2011

Dear Dad,

I'm not sure if you'll ever see this (maybe I should send you a copy ...) but I'm blogging my way through a "list" of posts, and day 4 is something you need to forgive someone for. I've been meaning to talk to you for a few years but I've chickened out every time we're together. There hasn't been a convenient day (like that day we spent on the beach talking about ElCid) to talk and, well, I'm still pretty scared. 

In one of my favorite songs there is a line "your parents did the best job they knew how to do" and I believe that, I always felt cheated that you didn't know how to do your job at all. I am still angry at how I was treated as a child. I know you were treated worse by your dad and that the situation you were in was difficult but that doesn't excuse what happened, it doesn't make it better, or ok.

Living in fear is a terrible place to live, you know that. So why did you do it to me? You didn't know any better isn't an excuse. How could you look me in the face and apologize over and over when we both knew it was just going to happen again?

I always did everything you wanted me to do and it was never good enough, you didn't even come to my high school graduation. After meeting my fiance you told me no one would be mad if I backed out, more than once.

After I was married I had a very hard decision to make, what would I tell my children about their Grandfather? Would I even let them know you? When questions about why my parents aren't married came up what would I say to protect them? I chose to let you start over, I chose to give you a second chance and I'm very grateful that I did. You have been amazing, you've been the person I needed you to be my whole life. The girls love and adore you and that makes me very happy.

Having kids of my own has pushed me to the very edge and my temper evaporates like a snow ball in Vegas  summertime and I can see how easy it is to cross the line, and I admit, I have, but when I see fear in my girl's faces I remember wearing that face and it scares me straight. 

I've worked on forgiving and trusting you for a long time, but I've been wanting to talk to you for these last few years because I learned that I need you, to forgive me, too.  I need you to forgive me for hating you all those years, for disrespecting you and everything you stood for. 

Despite everything I love you, you're my dad. Thanks for listening and I hope moving forward things will only get better between us. 

Love Always,