Sunday, June 29, 2008

It takes a village (my own personal soapbox)

But when the village turns into a peanut gallery how do you politely decline their advice, comments, etc...? (I don't think I'm exempt from handing out unwanted opinions or advice)

I get comments all the time about my 3 little princesses, generally the comments are about the fact that there is no little Prince among them. Then I'm questioned when I'm going to get on that. I usually take the "high road" and with a teeth gritting smile I say "we tried a twice for a boy and got 2 more girls so we're done now." I would love to say "My sex life is smokin' hot and a baby would ruin all that".

Today in the hall at church I stopped to see the baby boy of a girl (married & has a little girl too) in my ward and her MIL (I like this lady, she's been nice to me since we moved in) was holding him. I said how cute he was and she commented that I could still go for it, there's still time and etc. I replied with how sick I get I'm not sure if it would be worth it. The very nice lady went straight into very nice lecture mode. Well now that's true but just think of all the rewards, we had to go through 4 boys to get a girl. I smiled nicely and and went back to admiring the baby's totally cute chicky fuzz hair.

To me the risks and consequences far outweigh the rewards of a possible 4th child. I love my girls but they are a lot to handle. ElCid works about a million hours every week he makes it home once a week before they have gone to bed. When I have to take them to church solo it is slowly becoming less of an adventure now that they are getting older. I'm not sure I want to fight for another year and a half to get peace for 2 hours a week.

The medical risks are astronomical. Nothing is set in stone, I could get pregnant and do just fine. I however am only getting older (sweetly pointed out by my OBGYN once) more than likely I would get sick about 24 weeks and have to be on bed rest for 8 - 10 weeks and possibly be hospitalized. I could also have a stroke or seizure. Once my teeny tiny child (not guaranteed to be a boy) arrived they would spend months in the hospital far away from me and their family. That possible heartache, insanity and all those risks make me say NO.

For me that ship has sailed. George is nearly 4. Dethroning her as the spoiled baby of our family would probably send out enough shock waves to knock California off into the ocean!

As an adult I've also learned, often the hard (& personal) way, that having babies isn't as easy as it always seemed to me. My mom had 6 kids and one miscarriage. In my family babies just happened. I have several friends that big bucks (fertility & adoption), blood, sweat and tears got them the children that they do have.

Kids are hard. Having them and raising them is exhausting, scary and time consuming no matter the number involved. I would like the village to contribute positively & appropriately to their education, their diversity, and their dreams. Please leave the number and timing to me, I've left the gender up to God.

(stepping off the soap box now)


redheadsmom said...

Well, you know my stance on "one of each." I get that all the time. Like children are collector's items. "You are so lucky, you have one of each."
"At least you have one of each." Kids are not collector's items! I understand the desire for each, but it is not the most important thing!

Zanne said...

I WISH, I WISH, that people had manners! Every year/semester when my students realize I am married, the next question is always, "Do you have kids?" "No" is ALWAYS followed by the question "Why not?"

What I have come to realize is that what they are really curious about is whether or not I want to have any someday. Most kids ask because they are starting to think about their future and want a chance to say, "I want kids someday" or "I don't like kids and I don't think I want any." Yes, they are asking a very rude question, and should have been taught better. But this recent epiphany is helping me deal.

Sandra said...

When are you going to have another baby? You know, life isn't complete until you have a boy and you should definitely disrupt your wonderful little family and risk death for you and the baby just to have another 50/50 chance at have one. And, of course, it's my business, if you are going to parade your sexual escapades around in front of everyone by taking your kids with you everywhere you go.

Safire said...

Why don't you say the sex life comment? When we were trying to have our first and people asked when we were having kids, I used to ask them if they really wanted to know about my sex life? Sheesh. My favorite comment when I was pregnant with the twins was "You do know where babies come from right?" Um, the cabbage patch?! Now I get a lot of people asking/telling me we are done. Right? I mean, now I have a girl and 2 boys and I should be done. It's nice to have that decided for me.

I think people really do mean well and are generally interested in your life when they ask these questions. It's just like people wanting to know if we plan on staying here longer...they just are interested in our life. They just don't realize how emotionally charged this kind of question is. When kids just happen for other people, they don't realize how emotionally charged the question is.

Karen Valinda said...

You know, I prayed really hard that you would be a girl. I had some silly notion that I would have all boys because I wasn't 'feminine'
enough to raise girls. I had no preference on which I had first - Buh just got here first!

I was thrilled when you were not only a girl but SO feminine looking that NO one EVER mistook you for a boy. And yes, even way back in 1979, people, to include the pediatrician's nurse!!, felt the need to let us know we were done. "Oh, you have a million dollar family! One of each and the boy is oldest, how nice!" That would be the most polite approach I heard.

You are the only one who knows what you can handle, and I have NO desire for you to fill out some mythical balance sheet at the expense of more children than you can be good to! (survive)
Yeesh people!

When they start handing you money and offer to babysit, etc. it will still NOT be their business ! ! !


Hillary said...

AMEN! I have a feeling I'm going to get redheadsmom comments of "one of each." Who knows what life is going to throw you. I also liked you sex comment. :)

The Lowes said...

On the other hand, people look at me like I'm CRAZY NUTS when I say I might want to have one more. It makes me so mad because what does it matter to them? Even my mom says indirect comments about how this is my last and she won't have two of her daughters pregnant at the same time ever again. Uhmm...are you sure about that? Cuz I may not be done so step off.

You need to do what's best for YOU, YOUR FAMILY, and YOUR HEALTH AND SANITY. If anyone has crap to say to you, I would just give them a titty twister and then walk away.

creeks wife said...

I feel your pain. (Mother of three wonderful boys and no girls)